Es gibt dumme Menschen und dumme Tode. Heka-Tumb wird es, wenn diese auf- und ineinandertreffen.
Denn dümmer als der Tod, sind oftmals die Toten. Und natürlich sind 10 Tote dümmer als ein Toter.

In dieser betör.verstörenden Sub.Sektion seiner Bizzaria, versammelt pub.dep die Hekatumben in Hekatomben.
pub.dep glaubt an die Kraft eines jeglichen B(l)eispiels.
Gehen Sie Vor, gehen Sie [auch gegen sich selbst] Voran, selbst wenn dort das Nichts als Ihr Tod auf Sie wartet. Denn Vorne ist + bleibt, wo die Zukunft Spass macht. [p.d Axiom 0.1]

Wir danken den folgenden Heka-Tumben in der Reihenfolge Ihres Auf- und Abtretens, und entbieten unsere hekatumbische Losung: Demento morituri te salutant.


Afrikanischer Pfingstwund/tergang
Zwanzig Minuten dauert es für Normalversterbende, die Mündung des Flusses Komo in Gabun mit dem Schiff zu überqueren. Ein junger DurchGeistlichter wollte es ohne Transportmittel versuchen - jesusgleich und trockenfüssig wollte er den Komo überwandeln. Kaum zweifussbreit vom Auslaufufer entfernt, brüllte der Selbstbeschwipste der zahlreich angesandeten Lokalpresse zu: “Jesus war geil - aber ich bin der bessere Schwimmer!” Wer von den Umstehenden schon den ersten Behauptungsteil bezweifelte, sah die Falsifizierung des zweiten mitsamt des Behauptenden versinken.

Ein Fotograf, der das wundersame Ereignis bezeugen sollte, sowie einige Gläubige mussten, bzw. durften zusehen, wie der Mann schon wenige, zunehmend nasser werdende Schritte nach seiner ausufernden Steilbehauptung, in den Fluten versank. Laut der Regierungszeitung “L'Union Bom Bom" war der aus Quomkamerun stammende Geistliche einer Offenbarung gefolgt [nichtkirchende kichernde Kreise behaupteln, es handelte sich in Wirklichkeit um eine Offenbargeldbarzahlung der konkurriergierenden Tauchvereinsgemeinde ] - eine Offenbarung, die sich schliesslich und endlich als nicht-schwimmende, spirituöse Ente herausstellte.
Ulub ben Bulzlubub, der stehende Trockenschwimmgeher, hatte auf Stein, Schwein und das Gebein seiner Mutter geschworen, das er das raue Komowasser nicht nur knochentrocken sondern vor allem schneller UND eleganter überfüsseln könne, als weiland J.C. eine Bassinlänge des See Genezareth.

In Gabun hat die Pfingstbewegung seit den neunziger Jahren regen Zu- und Einlauf. Von den 1,3 Millionen Gabunern und Gabunerinnen besuchen rund 120.000 regelmäßig eine der mehr als 1000 Pfingstkirchen. Die Pfingstkirchenvorständer versprechen ihren GemeindeangeHörigen, dass ihr Glaube ihnen Erfolg im Beruf und in Liebesdingen sowie Gesundheit, Reichtum und vollkommene Wasserdichtheit sichert.
Hachum Thekwekwe, vorständernster VorvorStändler der PfiKi, gab nach dem spirituellen Badeunfall bekannt, das letzteres Versprechen, zumindest bis zum Ende der Regenzeit, in RELATIVE Wasserdichtheit umgedichtet würde und gab ausserdem die Gründung einer neuen Pfingstschwimmervereinskirche bekannt. Der Stapellauf des vollverkalfaterten Kirchenschiffs, wird von der gesamtverrammelten Pfingstschwimmervereinsgemeinde in voller Taucherglocke abgenommen. Zum selbigen Schwimmfest wird Ulub ben Bulzlubub, aufgrund seines selbstverlosenden Spiritualtauchgangs, zum Schutzpatron der Haubentaucher und Wasserläufer vorausgerufen.


Kaufst du noch oder stirbst du schon schön?
Bei der Eröffnung eines Ikea-Einrichtungshauses ist es in Saudi-Arabien zu einer Massenpanik gekommen. Drei Menschen wurden in einem blutigen Vorkaufrausch zu Tode getrampelt, als sie versuchten, Einkaufsgutscheine zu erhaschen, die das Unternehmen den ersten überlebenden Kunden in diesseitige Aussicht gestellt hatte.
Das Unglück vereignete sich in der Hafenstadt Dschiddada. Wie aus Sicherheitskreislücken bekannt wurde, mussten Sanitäter rund 20 Opferkunden wieder belebern, die in dem Gedränge das Kaufbewusstsein verloren hatten. Für drei Konsumaspiranten kam jede Hilfe zu spät.
Die schwedische Firma hatte den ersten Konsumunguterwerbern in einer Anzeigenkampagne Warenungutscheine im Wert von umgerechnet 150 Dollar vorversprochen. Zahlreiche Menschen hatten schon in der Nacht vor der Eingangstür gewartet. Vor dem Geschäft seien im Gedränge auch mehrere Frauen nicht nur belüstert sondern auch belästigt worden. Einige der Wartenden prügelten auf Journalisten und Fotografen ein, denn warum sich eine Gelegenheit entgehen lassen - und irgendeiner muss ja schuld sein. Anhänger der arabischen *Liga gegen die schwedische Möbeldiktatur*, die, wie deren Sprecher Halil ben Billy es ausdrückte "Einrichtungsopium für die Massen" verkauft, rief seine überlebenden Landsleute dazu auf, erstmal zur Besinnung zu kommen, tief durchzuatmen und anschliessend "den Sprengstoffgürtel wieder enger zu schnallen".




Trauer to go
Bei halb-vollem Un-Bewusstsein hat ein syrionischer Journalist den Vorlauf seiner eigenen Trauerfeier überlebt. Als Nadebil Ajubjub morgens aufwachte, stand er nach eigenen Angaben dermaßen unter dem Eindruck eines Alptraums, dass er sich weder bewegen noch sprechen konnte. Das berichtet der Journalist der syrionischen Zeitung "Al-Thumbra" am Dienstag. "Ich war wie gelähmt. Genauer gesagt: Ich war gelähmt."
Ajubjub konnte das erleichterte Wehklagen seiner Frau hören und bekam die scherzhaften Gespräche mit, die die Ärzte im Krankenhaus über ihn führten. Die Mediziner erklärten die Mittagspause für eröffnet und ihn für tot.
Dann nahmen Ajubjubs Angehörige die vermeintliche Leiche mit, wuschen seinen vorgetäuschten Leichnam und leierten das Totengebet. Erst als ihn seine Verwandten auf den Friedhof gebracht hätten, habe er alle Energie zusammengenommen und gerufen "Ich lebe noch". Die Trauergäste seien so schockiert gewesen, auch darüber das der althergebrachte Totenverzehr nun ins Wasser, bzw. zu Staub zerfiel, dass einige von ihnen weggelaufen seien - dabei erlitten zwei einen Herzinfarkt - einer endete tödlich.


Vorspiegelung falscher Totsachen
A lawyer from Toronto, demonstrating the safety of the windows in a skyscraper, crashed through the pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law-of-gravity students.
Mr. Hoy had previously conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. "It was kind of a freak-hobby of his." - Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was, "One of the best and brightest" members of the 200 man association. "I always thought, he's even brighter than our new polished windows - but than he wasn't."


Bio-Leck
Paderborn - Zookeeper Friedrich E. Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant named "Emma" 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and proto-prunes. The plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly with a venegance. Standing next to his elephant, Mr. Riesfeldt suffocated under 200 pounds of elephant manure. "The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted police detective Erik "The Elephant" Dern. The comment of the equally gabberflasted colleague of Riesfeldt: "Shit happens - and sometimes right onto your face."

Hot Dog
Akeley, Minnesota – Jerrycho, a Labrador Retriever, died in a freak accident that also cost Harry Bumford-Jenkins his new Ford truck. Mr. Bumford-Jenkins and his two buddies went ice fishing at the nearby Ten Mile Lake which was completely iced over. In an attempt to create a large hole for fishing quickly, Mr. Jenkins first lit, then tossed a stick of dynamite across the ice. To his horror, his dear dog Jerrycho raced across the ice in an attempt to retrieve the dynamite. He did so, fetched the crackling dynamite-stick despite screams from the men to come back. Then Jerrycho returned... The three men began to run in the opposite direction for their lives with the explosive dog chasing them. The men narrowly escaped death in this way, but the explosion damaged the ice near the truck, which then plunged to the bottom of the lake. In addition to losing his faithful four-legged-friend, Mr. Jenkins was a double loser when the insurance company refused to pay on his claim for the sunken truck, for the mere reason, that he wasn't insured against his own dog.


Falsch verbunden
Newton, NC - Kenneth Charles Burger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death during the night. Awakening to the sudden sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed his Smith & Wesson 38 Special instead which he kept on the bedside table next to the phone. The gun apparently discharged as he drew it to his ear thinking it was the phone. "What better way to die?", said a bemused chief-executive of the local telecommunications company - "Burger died with a last friendly "Hello" on his lips".


T(od)-Online
A man was found dead at his computer apparently the victim of trying to keep up with too many professional forums. Childress H. Wanamaker, 54, an account executive at a New York-based new media company, died of starvation according to the West Nyack coroner's office. Wanamaker's emaciated body was found by Loraine, his wife of 26 years, who told MediaPost she had been bringing her husband meals on plastic trays for weeks, but that he never took the time to eat them. "He was glued to his computer 24/7," she said tearfully. "He was so afraid he was going to miss an opportunity to contribute a comment or start a discussion, that he just stopped eating." She added that Wanamaker's last words were "I don't believe in data-constipation..." - Computer forensic specialists from SUNY at Cortland discovered that Wanamaker was subscribed to 448 different forums and networking communities. They also found that he posted a comment into one forum or another on an average of 6 per minute every hour of the day for the past seven weeks. Wanamaker was linked into to over 15,250 other community members, many of whom he exchanged notes with daily. He also contributed to 375 blogs and was expected to start an online column about the impact of interactive communications on health, when he died. A virtual memorial service will be held online at a date to be determined - which will last - at least - 5 seconds.

Volles Rohr
Melvyn G.G. Nurse, 35, a clergyman, used a .357 calibre Magnum revolver [also known as GOG, God's own Gun] loaded with one blank round to dramatize his sermon before a packed congregation at Living(a)way Christian Fellowship Church in Jockoville, Florida. He illustrated each of the seven deadly sins by playing Russian roulette, spinning the chamber and pointing the gun to his head. After one spin, the gun fired and the cardboard wadding in the blank pierced his temple, inflicting fatal brain injuries.
He fell out of sight and the congregation of 250, including his wife Annie and their four daughters, kept waiting, thinking Mr. Nurse would resume his fiery, fully-loaded sermon. He was eventually rushed to University Medical Center, where he died, finally. Nurse's wife Annie on the incident: "My good Melvy was the most faithful and God-trusting man who ever walked this filthy planet. Well, I am going home now, get my gun and re-think the whole fucking concept of his."

Gehen sie mit der Zeit, aber gehen Sie!
Hebron, Israel – A switch away from daylight savings time turned the tables on a group of Palestinian terrorists who had neglected to note that Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time due to a religious holiday.
The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area by explosives experts and set on Daylight Savings time. The drivers in Israel had already switched their watches to standard time and failed to note the time difference. Still en-route they were in their car to their destination when the explosives detonated an hour earlier than they expected - "Just in time", as the Israelian Commissioner put it.

DEAD-O-DORANT
Jonathan Capewell, 16, was so obsessed with smelling *really* fresh that he would cover his entire body with deodorant at least twice a day. When his parents told him he was using too much and they could taste the stuff downstairs in the kitchen, he laughed it off, calling them a pair of smelly rotten-old scumbags. He was found dead after spraying himself with anti-perspirant in his bedroom in Oldham, Greater Manchester. Three empty deodorant canisters were found. A post mortem showed that his body contained 0.37mg of butane per litre of blood and a similar amount of propane. Only 0.1mg of either gas can kill. - "At least he left the freshest-smelling corpse that ever came across my little dissection table", stated the local coroner.

Fett-Ex
In New York, USA Mr. David "Fat Diddy" Solarte, a taxi driver, was so fed up with his weight problem that he took decisive desperate measures. The 230 pound man allowed his medical student friend "Fast Freddie Scissors" to perform a makeshift liposuction operation on him using whiskey, sleeping tablets and a household vacuum cleaner.
During the 'operation' Mr. Solarte went into shock and died. - "At least we were able to bury him a casket 2 sizes smaller than the one he'd needed before the operation.", said Fast Freddie, handcuffed, with a melancholic, very slim smile on his lips.

Rentenbetrug
In London three South African men wheeled the corpse of their dead uncle into a post office to try and cash the dead man's pension. They tried to convince the cashier that their uncle was only unwell and even put his finger on the electronic identification pad. The postal worker noticed that the man's hands were ice cold and immediately called paramedics. "What can I say...", said one of the South-African's to The Sun newspaper, "we tried to make a living on a dead man's body. We thought that's what the whole globalization thing is about. I mean, no one ever asked me if my body-temperature was ok, when I had to work for 3 pence per hour."

Heisser Stuhl
In March 1989, in South Carolina, USA Michael Anderson Godwin, who had recently had his sentence of execution by electric chair commuted to life imprisonment, died while he was sitting on his metal toilet in his cell.
He had tried to fix his TV set, bit into the wire and electrocuted himself. His cell-neighbour commented: "Well, there wasn't much to do anyway besides jerking off once or twice an hour and Mike always said, he'd give his life for a good TV-Show. So he did."

Der Grabredner
At a funeral a widow collapsed and died instantly of a heart attack after she heard her husband's voice coming from the coffin shouting, "Let me out!"
What she didn't know was that the voice belonged to a fellow mourner, Jacques de Putron, who was a ventriloquist.
A distraught de Putron later stated, "I thought that it would cheer everyone up and make them feel better. You know, I would die for a good laugh - but apparently, some people don't."

Leid-Strahl
There are bad ways to die and there are truly bad ways to die. For sheer pain and humiliation it's hard to beat the fate of the two unfortunate Papua New Guinea fishermen who met their maker after a fishchewed their cocks off. The two bled to death after the mystery fish gnawed their nobs as they stood in the Sepik River in north-western Papua. Local authorities suspect the pair were attacked because they were pissing in the river as many fish are able to detect minute chemical changes in water. The notorious candiru of the Amazon is legendary for its ability to follow a stream of piss back to it's original source - where it generally swims into the culprits urethra and sticks there thanks to a handy set of backwards-facing spines. The most likely suspect for the fishermens deaths is the pacu, a fish related to the piranha. Pacu were introduced to Papua in 1994 as part of a United Nations 'Save-the-Earth' programme to stock waters with new food fish species. After all, it looks like the two peeing fishermen became victims of a programme to save the planet they were mindlessly pissing on. It is reported, that their widows are planning to file a 200 million dollar charge against the United Nations.